In the Cards
Yarnus IV A soft and fluffy planet that hangs in space, Yarnus IV looks like a gigantic ball of yarn, but each of the strings are roads and stuff Thing Contents: Apeface Fulcrum Blueshift ...And so the call came out across the universe, across all civilised species, again and again. Come to Yarnus IV. Come to play a CHILDREN'S CARD GAME and win energon. And so they came. Well at least Blueshift came as he bounces over the soft terrain towards the CARD ARENA, with a deck he stole from a small orphan clutched in his hands Catechism arrives with a Magic: The Gathering deck. It will, of course, be totally useless at a YuGiOh tournament, but don't tell her that. The red gunk is finally off her arm, at the very least. She looks around, poking at the soft ground with her foot. What in this...? Fulcrum got some kind of card game together, but he got it by smashing his way into an ebay seller's house and grabbing the first one he liked the look of. "Why do some of these cards read "Jyhad", and some read "Vampire: The Eternal Struggle" he mutters, trying to work out which way up to hold the tiny (to him!) cards. Overkill has arrived. Overkill transforms into his terrifying carnosaur mode! But for some reason remains four inches high. Tiny Overkill says, "rar" Ramjet has arrived. As is common on these 'games' and other 'hobby' themed planets, there is a Snoko's Copy Poke right next to the tournament location. Inside, Apefac is busy giving the ponytailed clerk advice to the effect of using both Tag and Axe as well as three future-calvin klein scents simultaneously to cover up that nasty body odour that is inescapable in the tiny shop. Technically the stench is coming from Apeface, but he's a smooth operator and the clerk is none the wiser. "Yeah that's right bub. You'll get alla them, whatjoo callzits, lady friends then. And it ain't no thing, people helping people, that's what I live for. Also, I'ma just use this workstation I need to print off a bunch of copies..." He holds up a freshly bloodspattered binder full of Yu Gi Oh cards and trundles up to a copier with a computer monitor attached for editing and gets to work. "Knew you wouldn't mind. You're the man dogg, don't forget it, I won't be around to remind you. " 15 or 20 minutes later apeface is back out on the street hoisting a most triumphant milkcrate full of cards and his well-timed exit sees the store erupt in flames not 4 steps out of the door. Apeface whistles a cheerful tune. Catechism squints at the teeny, teeny dinosaur with his tiny little dinosaur electrons. She suggests to Fulcrum, "Perhaps he can help you with your cards? He doesn't seem to be much bigger than them." She points over at Overkill. At the centre of the arena is a bustling crowd, with a huge scoreboard fixed over everything. An alien dressed as a gay clown is at the middle with a microphone. "Come one, come all, who will enter the CARD GAME TOURNAMENT for the prize of ENERGON!" In the corner of the stage is a platform full of energon. "Enter one, enter all. Can you and your friends beat ALL of our champions?" The tune to 'Final Countdown' by Europe starts to play as a man dressed in an awful dragon costume enters the arena, and stands at one side of the card playing field. "Rar, I am Dinosaur Dave, and I will challenge ANYONE!" he shouts, waving his deck of cards Tiny Overkill roars squeakily. Dinosaur Dave has arrived. Dinosaur Dave It is a dumb card player, with huge eyes, bizarre spiky hair, and a weird cloak! Tiny Overkill rides on Fulcrum's shoulder, holding his cards in his mouth. "rr," he says, indistinctly. "I can't understand any of this stuff." Fulcrum complains. "Perhaps the tiny dinosaur should play. Or perhaps we should just hit everyone until we get the energon." "i don't know how," says tiny Overkill. "i say we bite them until they declare us the winners" "YOU! Tiny Dinosaur!" shouts the clown. "Come up to the ARENA with your friends and battle DINOSAUR DAVE using your CHILDRENS CARDS" Tiny Overkill has to transfer the cards to his miniscule arms to say this, and drops several. Tiny Overkill shouts back shrilly, "overkill is equal to any challenge" Apeface registers himself in the tournament. He grins while taking gingerly bites on a plastic tube rolled roll of quarters, in fact licking a single coin off the stack at a time. He noisily crunches and munches on the money and places his deck on the table, some of the doctored cards still steaming with the imperceptible steam of fresh copies. Mmmmmm that smell. Can't you smell that smell. "Yeah I'm Apeface. Dinosaur Dave is so good. I heard he's like a real pro. So I'm gonna try and beat him for the energon." He makes a pensive and perhaps nervous face. "But I'll have to try my best on account of he's so good." Apeface giggles wheezily and bobs his head as he snaps his deck back up into his big crate'o'cards and marches to the play area. There are the strains of a guitar, emitting from the general area near Catechism. She scrunches up her face confused, as they continue. With her deck of magical cards, she steps forward, toward the area. At the moment she sets foot in the arena, the music breaks out into: She knows the She knows the mystery ... Catechism covers her face and grumbles as "Evangeline" by the Mission plays. Dinosaur Dave shuffles his cards, and looks at Apeface. Then he looks at his cards again. "You and your friends are going to become EXTINCT!" he shouts, as he slowly takes out a card. "I am taking out the Knave of Hearts, but putting it on it's side, to create the KNAVE OF BLUTCH +2!" He slams the card onto the table! Dinosaur Dave strikes Apeface with Knave Of Blutch. "Fastball special" Fulcrum states, attempting to grab the Tiny Dinosaur and hurl him into the arena, like another famous metal Russian dude. Mecha Stalin. Fulcrum succeeds in grasping Tiny Overkill, throwing it off-balance. Tiny Overkill wobbles into the air with the miniature jet engines in his missile packs, carrying the deck of cards which is clearly too heavy for him. 'Walk the Dinosaur' plays loudly through the facility as he takes his place in the RING of DESTINY. Tiny Overkill swoosh towards the arena! Tiny Overkill poses on top of his deck. "i, overkill! will defeat you all!" Victory Leo has arrived. Hook has arrived. Fulcrum vanishes out of reality. Fulcrum has left. Dinosaur Dave rubs his chin as he looks at his cards, and then at Overkill. "Hmm. Luckily I have a rare BLUE EYED WHITE DRAGON!" he shouts, waving a card. It has a dragon with red eyes on it. He whips out a felt tip and colours the eyes in blue, then slams it down on the table in front of Overkill's deck. "HAVE AT THEE!" Dinosaur Dave strikes Tiny Overkill with Blue Eyed White Dragon!. Catechism fumbles with her deck of magical cards as lyrics such as 'Bow down and worship the whiplash queen!' float around her general vicinity. Finally, she stuffs her cards into a jar, shakes it, and proclaims the deck to be shuttled. She narrates, "So Thrust is the conehead who is really good at cards, right? I think he even rivals Americon. Someday, Thrust's going to have his own casino, once we've beaten the Autobots. But hey, I have to support the team." Tiny Overkill is hurled clean off the table by the POWER of the Blue Eyed White Dragon! "it's too strong!" he exclaims as he gets stuck behind the sofa. Who's this MYSTERIOUS figure in the purple hooded cloak walking into the arena to the sound of ominous drums and horns? Could it be an avatar of the gameplaying artifical cloud mind know as The Percipitous Intent? Is it Yggh, master of the Three Systems and Nineteen Deadly Hands? As Mars, Bringer of War swells to a crescendo, the hooded figure produces one lime green hand.. and THROWS off his cloak in an awesome still frame with kickass speed lines in the background. It ONLY Hook! "Let's get ready to D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!" he proclaims. "And then later, I shall fix that stutter!" Overkill folds up into a Was Not Was album. "rend him, hook!" shouts Overkill in a muffled way from behind the sofa as he tries to unstick himself. Clap clap clap clap. Ramjet's hands collide in applause of Hook's proclamation. Beside the Air Commander stands Sunstorm. He is holding a small stereo box that plays David Bowie's Golden Years for Ramjet. Run for the shadows in these gooooooooooooooooooolden years. Dinosaur Dave flexes his arms as his card somehow explodes Overkill. "Yes, I am the champion!" he cries. "Because I can beat people at a children's card game, I have adoration and respect from all!" But then his eyes bulge open and he gasps as Hook takes to the stage. "NO!" he cries. "Not YOU! I thought I defeated you FOREVER when I rolled a 4 and then you rolled a 2 and then you went high when I picked a 2!" Apeface looks at the cards in his hands, he laughs, a raucaus chucklesnort, at Dinosaur Dave's dynamic first move. He pushes his hands face down onto the table, and then his eyes go huge as he stares over the Dinosaur's shoulder. "I haven't seen whole sides of brontosaurus since I was buried under the Paleozoic era. " His jaw hangs open as he fantasizes about the enormous slab of herbivore as he actually stares at a kissing booth being operated by Pipes, using the clever ruse to sell it as he then pulls two cards out of his 'pocket'. He immediately places one on the table upside down, "Broca Blutch - Love/Hate Major Bludd Day" He explains, "it is a holiday card only available from the DV-Orbulon planet. It reflects your Blutch effect back on you, doubling its effective power AND since I played it upside down, " He continues in his best know-it-all tones, "It just goes back to my hand. " Apeface strikes Dinosaur Dave with Broca Blutch. "Haha, not so fast!" replies Hook. "For you see I had the sanctuary card in play so that means that if I rolled a 5 I could survive even though you picked a 2, and I rolled a 5, meaning that I survived! And now that you have wasted your most powerful card on a tiny dinosaur, I have a SURPRISE!" With a flourish, Hook reveals a card that has an attractive woman on it, her eyes smouldering, her adams apple shiny and appealing! Hook strikes Dinosaur Dave with TRAP CARD!. "Excellent use of the Crying Game Strategy, Doctor." Ramjet says. "Oh, thank you," says the Doctor, gets into a large blue box and disappears. Ramjet stares. "..damn it! Him again." Overkill transforms into his terrifying carnosaur mode! But for some reason remains four inches high. Apeface rests a hand on Hook's card, peering across the table. "Apeface'd totally take a bite outta that." He assures with a knowing and confident nod. Sunstorm sighs, "When will he ever learn you're referring to Hook and not /him/?" Tiny Overkill squirms out from under the sofa and chases after the Time Lord, snapping his jaws. Ramjet snorts, "What have I told you about asking me stupid questions." Apeface coughs, "You said you can't tell which ones are the stupid questions, so only ask you the good questions that way you won't look stupid." "Oh, planets!" Dinosaur Dave sighs. "My home planet of Ajax Minor was blown up by an insane British guy or something. But I have PSYCHIC powers so my victory is assured!" He gives a huge wink. Standing directly behind Hook and Apeface is a man dressed entirely in black with a huge telescope. he prods his telescope over Hook's shoulder, staring at his deck. "HE'S GOT A TON OF CAT CARDS!" he yells into a walkie-talkie. Dinosaur Dave grins and places down a card with an angry old women on it. "Hah, the Angry Granny! She nullifies all INTERNET MEMES!" Dinosaur Dave unleashes its Sand Storm! attack on Apeface and Hook, striking Hook. "Oh." Ramjet's optics flicker. "Um. Fine work, Apefa--" His words are cut off as Dinosaur Dave plays his attack card. "Agh! Geriatric attack!" Catechism mutters, "I thought that Mixmaster was the one with the stutter." She sit down and rolls out her magical playing mat on her knee. She then draws seven cards out of the jar of shaken Magic cards with a pair of tweezers and reviews them under a magnifying lense. Catechism considers the cards seriously. "Hmm." Then, she tweezes some cards down to the playmat with a windmill slam and proclaims, "Oh, heck. Mountain, Black Lotus, Channel, Fireball. Take twenty." She then stabs herself in the arm, as per Channel's wording, and winces. The wince is because of the mention of Ajax Minor, not because she stabbed herself. You strike Dinosaur Dave with Twinky Magic Cards. "Ack! Sand!" Hook says, temporarily rendered HELPLESS by a sandy old granny. Made of sand. Apeface continues to smirk confidently as he slides one more card out of his 'sleeve' and onto the table. "Milhouse is not a Meme, negates all meme affecting effects, except for Milhouse is not a Meme, because it isn't. But Milhouse is not a Meme is a meme. Or is it? That's for me to know and you to find out, but I like the cut of your jib since you seem to be losing, sucker. Apeface strikes Dinosaur Dave with AntiAntiMeme. Dinosaur Dave shakes his finger as he is attacked from all sides and some of his cards inexplicably burst into flames. "I'm COMET attcha!" he shouts, whipping out a card that has a German with a funny moustache on. "The HITLER card. Automatically trumps ALL argument and internet cards!" He looks very pleased with himself Dinosaur Dave strikes Apeface with HITLER. Tiny Overkill clamps onto Dave's ankle and gnaws on him like a very angry shrew. Apeface gasps, as one of his cards lights up like a roman candle, sparkling and sputtering away. But only part of the card is real, so it burns out well ahead of the plan. "30 Hitlers Agree, if you don't want to remember something. Burn It Down!" He chortles crassly as he places the 30 Hitlers card down on the table. "Multiply number of Hitler's in play by the MC Escher quotient and apply to a player of your choice." Apeface giggles and pumps his arm as if tugging on a steam whistle. "I choo choo CHOOSE you! Dinosaur Douche! Hahahahaha!" Hook pahhs and pephs, spitting sand from his vocaliser. "Hah, not so fast! I am not defeated yet!" the engineer proclaims. "For you see since I have a trap in play and you used sand, I can equip Una the Sabbat Archbishop of Dublin with binoculars, giving her +1 intercept, then send her in to bleed you! And to add to that I'll tap two islands, enchanting her with an unstable mutation, giving her +3/+3! AND, if I turn over my other card, I reveal that I have the ace of diamonds AND the queen of spades! 21! Face it, with that bullseye yor house of cards will fall like dominos! CHECKMATE!" Hook strikes Dinosaur Dave with what.. Apeface strikes Dinosaur Dave with Scientifically Unfounded. Catechism snarls, "You can't just invoke Godwin's Law! It has to come as a natural part of the conversation." She tries to fish another card out of the jar with her tweezers. Instead, she fishes out a magazine. She points out, "Hah! Magazines are neither memes, arguments, nor internets." She flips through it and takes out the 'order more of this' card in the middle. You strike Dinosaur Dave with Advertizing. Dinosaur Dave shakes his fist again at Apeface and Catechism, but at Hook he smiles. "Ah my green friend, but not if I roll a 34!" He takes a 100 side dice, and throws it. It lands on 45. "BUT!" he shouts, waving his finger in the air. "I have a PURPLE TOKEN!" he places the token into the middle. "So I may CHANGE the dice roll to 34, which also allows me to play one card against all of you, from my Passive-Aggressive Deck!" He lays three cards on the table, one against each of his current foes! Dinosaur Dave unleashes its Vapid and Insipid attack on Hook, Catechism and Apeface, striking Apeface. Apeface sneers as all of his cards in play turn into sparkley confetti. "Oh so that's how it is. Well!!!" He peels a protective layer off a card in his hand revealing a completely different card. "I win!" He says placing it face up. "Provides +N to the next combat roll where N equals the number of life you, my target has left. And then initiates a combat roll! " He snerks and folds his arms out on the table, enjoying a pepperoni stick. "Huh..." He muses as he flips through the catalogue, "As you can see, I win. You lose." Apeface strikes Dinosaur Dave with YOU LOOSE. Catechism just says flatly, "Force Spike. I counter your attack unless you pay 1." When did she get an Island in play? Does it matter? She then untaps her cards and draws another. "Swamp, Disciple of the Vault, Flash into Hulk, search for a gazillion artifacts, you lose approximately a gazillion life. Approximately." She steeples her fingers. You strike Dinosaur Dave with More Stupid Combos. Dinosaur Dave is deactivated under the fierce barrage of attacks. Dinosaur Dave clutches at his chest as Apeface peels off the protective wrapping. "WHAT!?" he shouts. "WHAT? What are you doing, you are destroying its value!" As he is distracted, he doesn't notice Catechism making him lose a Gazillion lives, and so doesn't get a chance to play his Bent Snooker card, thus losing him the game. "No!" he shouts, falling to the ground and pummelling it. "I was close! SO CLOSE!" He starts to sink into the woolly ground of the planet, strands of cotton pulling him into the earth as he screams The Doctor zips through the room. "Don't mind me, forgot my cowbell!" he exclaims cheerily, and disappears again. As Dinosaur Dave sinks, a large cowbell rings above the arena. "YES!" the clown shouts. "THIS LADEEE is the winner!" He points at Catechism as he says this rather suicidal thing Catechism rises up from where she was sitting down, scattering her cards all over the ground, and she fist-pumps into the air, declaring, "And I couldn't have done it without THEM." She points at her fellow Decepticons. "And a horrendously twinky combo deck." Yellow glow lines extend from her, poking out the eye of a local orphan who was grabbing at her cards. "OH GOD!" the orphan screams. "My career as an artist! I have only one recourse but to dress up as a rainbow and TURN TO CRIME!" "Aaaaaand my next card would have been..." Hook draws one from his deck. "Hm. You have won second prize in a beauty contest." Hook has disconnected. Ramjet has disconnected. Blueshift has disconnected. Decepticon Message: 2/46 Posted Author King of Cards Sun Sep 21 Catechism ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Catechism appears, beaming and sitting atop a pile of energon. "Today, the Decepticons were summoned to Yarnus IV to play... Yu! Gi! Oh!" She poses dramatically, speed lines behind her. "...I brought a Magic: The Gathering Deck. Uhm. Anyway, Overkill, Hook, Apeface, and I defeated Dinosaur Dave, thereby claiming a prize of energon." She pats the pile of cubes. "Ramjet was watching, and I think Fulcrum was there for a while?" Oh, those animation errors! "I knocked Dinosaur Dave out by Force Spiking his spell and then using a totally broken Hulk-Flash Disciple of the Vault combo. It was *sweet*. I think this makes me the King of Cards now?" Catechism seems uncertain. "But the others were totally flippin' awesome, too. Cheers to all!" Catechism smiles rakishly and blips out. Next Episode: Will Hook's power level exceed 9000? Tune in!